Van-tastic Thanksgiving

That's right... I wrote it. Even though it may be the worst title-pun ever, I stand by it.

On to the blog:

For Thanksgiving I went to South Carolina to visit my family. For those of you who do not know, unless you pay me, I am somewhat to extremely apathetic about things that are not going to occur within fifteen minutes of whatever I am doing. Unfortunately, this results in a rolling fifteen minute period in which I care a whole lot about stuff which I am generally too late to change... Such as getting a flight home.

Even with my mother helping me (insert joke regarding my inability to perform adult tasks without "mommy's" supervision), I couldn't find a flight for less than about 400 bucks. I know what you, the reader, are thinking sitting at home in your comfortable chairs: "But Staffman, you're an attorney now... 400 dollars for the ease and comfort of a flight home should be well worth it." Ahhh, noble readers, I wish it were that simple. You see, although I am an attorney, I am first and foremost my father's son; my father would not pay 400 dollars for a flight when he could rent a car for 200 bucks, including gas, and neither would I.*

* As a side note, my father once left our home in Ohio to go and "look" at a $300 car in North Carolina. He left on a Friday, arrived Saturday morning, bought the car, rented a U-Haul car trailer, and arrived back in Ohio early on Sunday morning. The man went two days without sleep and traveled approximately 1200 miles for a $300 1963 Ford Fairlane. Consequently, he traded the car to me for an old Yamaha motorcycle.

So I made a reservation at Dollar Rent-A-Car here in beautiful Arlington, VA. I reserved a small Korean car because it was the cheapest thing available with the best gas mileage. I felt like the smartest man alive. Fooey on you Delta... I bite my thumb at you United... (United became upset and asked me if I bit my thumb at them... I had to back down a little. I told them that I didn't bite my thumb specifically at United, but I did bite my thumb. United can be mean...).

Now, I hear that Jerry Seinfeld has a whole bit on how a reservation with a rental car company means absolutely nothing. I have not seen this bit, but I can tell you that I don't think he was trying to be funny. He was probably just testifying. I show up at Dollar, which is nicely hidden behind a McDonald's, and I enthusiastically walked into the rental office.

The rental office was manned by a large, surly woman who was decidedly disappointed with her lot in life. Because I could understand her sentiment and she managed to be somewhat courteous, I was very nice. I told her that I had a reservation. I held the computer print-out up like I had just found Willy Wonka's last golden ticket. Her response, unlike the confetti-and-balloons-falling-from-the-ceiling celebration of rental that I thought would take place, was unnerving. They were out of small Korean cars for me to drive. They were out of non-descript American fleet cars for me to drive. They were out of cheap convertibles and pickup trucks, luxury cars and convertibles... They were out of everything. They had nothing. I hated them. I didn't let Surly McDead-end-job know it, but I think I hated her (but only after she told me I would have to wait).

So wait I did. After 45 minutes, they had nothing. More importantly, more people were arriving. There was a line of people who, like me, were unable to bask in the cheap plastic accoutrements and poor imitations of slightly better cars that defines the rental experience.

Finally, after 45 minutes, and with about 5 other people waiting for similarly crappy vehicles that would take them to their preferred destination, Surly had an unholy proposition for me. She said she had gotten a few mini-vans and would "upgrade" me for free. "Upgrade" is the actual word she used. I'm not kidding.

Staff-a-maniacs, I must admit that I'm not a proud man. I didn't bat an eye. A mini-van was fine with me.