Leave the Driving to Nuts

So, I had my first Greyhound experience. It was interesting. One girl, whom I will refer to as The Prophet, constantly espoused conspiracy theories. This led myself and the entire bus to a series of epiphanies. Her favorite saying was “knowledge is power.” Here are a few of the epiphanies I was able to glean:

1. The Loch Ness monster is real. Moreover, he and Godzilla are the same being because, as The Prophet pointed out “Japan and China are where all those sightings come from.” Knowledge is power.

2. Mermaids are real and they are unattractive. Apparently, The Prophet had got her hands on a book published by Time/Life called “Creatures” or something similar. This book contains pictures of real mermaids and they are ugly. In the same category, giants used to exist… leading us to 3. Knowledge is power.

3. Fairy tales are legitimate, gory, and because they are based on fact, they are unsuitable for children. The government couches them as fantasy so that our children will not believe that any creatures or events in the fairy tale existed. Knowledge is power.

4. UFO’s or “unidentifiable flying objects” are poorly named because they are, in fact, identifiable. Moreover, the government knows about them and has been covering them up. Apparently there was a weather balloon found in the desert which was intended to explain away these so-called UFO’s. The Prophet is on to the government, however, because she knows for a fact that the weather balloon was “not old enough to explain away the sightings.” Knowledge is power.

5. Joe Rogan (from NBC’s Fear Factor) is a demon. In the Biblical sense. According to The Prophet, anyone who eats the things Joe Rogan requests without necessity is performing a demonic act in defiance of God. Knowledge is power.

There are more, but if I keep typing, blood will shoot out of my nose.