Staffman Rocks

Hardworking attorney / man of the people / super-hero to fans of 1963 Ford Fairlanes.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Call me shaggy

I need a haircut... or a dog license. I just haven't had time to get one... When I do, though, I want the blogosphere to decide what type of 'do to do. Right now, I'm leaning toward mullet: litigation in the front, malpractice in the rear.

Please vote by placing a comment. If I can figure out how, I'll post a picture when it's done.

1. Normal
2. Buzz
3. Saved by the Bell's Zach hair cut
4. Mullet

There's always the option to write in...

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Flip Side

So, I had a great Friday not at work, but I made up for it. I was at work from 8 AM to 2:30 AM recently. I won't lie to you, it was very silly. On the walk home, I was once again propositioned (by a different girl), but this time it was more sad than funny. Ok, it was a little funny.

I am watching "Flight of the Conchords". It, on the other hand, is very funny.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

"If I had a boat, I'd go out on the ocean

If I had a pony, I'd ride him on my boat
And we would all together,
go out on the ocean
Me upon my pony, on my boat"
- Lyle Lovett


I've been working a lot lately, but the good news is that I've been playing a lot, too. And, well, apparently, there is a reason why people do what I do...

1. Lyle Lovett (opening - K.D. Lang)

I went to this show Wednesday night. I first saw Lyle two years ago at a summer associate event. It was awesome. As one of my close, female friends said "Lyle is 'sexyugly'". He must be to have married Julia Roberts (although she's not really my style, I get why the rest of the world is down). Anyway, Lyle and his large band rocked the house. Well, ok, maybe they "swung" the house or "adult contemporary countried", or maybe even "bluegrassed" the house. What's more, they did it with a level of musicianship that was beyond reproach. I mean, these guys are good.

To make things even better, it was at a place called the "Wolftrap" which is a large outdoor theater with a covered portion for fancy people. Our group brought in a picnic dinner consisting of KFC chicken and various and sundry other things, and all the beer and wine we could drink. That's right - no 10 buck beer for us... and then, much to my surprise, I found out I was a "fancy person". We had seats under the covered thing that were like 4 rows back. Phenomenal. To quote Lyle "That's right, [I'm] not from Texas, but Texas wants me anyway." In that my firm is based out of Texas, he doesn't know how right he is.

Bonus points - got to wear my cowboy boots and didn't feel silly at all.

Uncool - I sat right behind a woman who was way too into it. I mean, normally I'm all for audience participation, but this 40 year old woman kept making the Ozzie Osbourne / "hook 'em horns" hand signal and refused to sit still. Seriously, her arm fat was flapping the entire concert...

P.S., K.D. Lang can sing, but she looks and acts like Tony Bennett. I don't know what you can do with that information, but I'm putting it out there.

2. Wilco (opening - some band I don't know)

Confession time, folks. I don't really like Wilco's new stuff. I'm not saying that Tweedy ought to go back to the hard stuff, but I'm not saying he shouldn't either. Seriously, A.M. is a great album. A phenomenal album. Thursday night, they played nary a song from said masterpiece.

Anyway, it's probably not their fault because, unbeknownst to them, they were following Lyle. Still, it was a good show and a great time. Because my law firm buddies can be cheap, we bought a bottle of vodka and took turns taking swigs in the parking lot. It was kind of retro for us, but a good time nonetheless. After awhile we decided to flaunt the "don't bring stuff in" rule and we filled a water bottle with the vodka. Now, you're only allowed to bring in one, factory sealed water bottle so we were presented with a slight problem. Several MacGuyver style solutions were promulgated (my favorite was to punch a whole in the bottom, drain the water, fill it with vodka and plug the hole).

We ultimately decided that was ridiculous, though, and hiding it was our best option. Luckily, this was the second day in a row where it was appropriate for me to wear my boots and I stuck the water bottle in my boot and walked right in. I literally "bootlegged" the water bottle. Awesome.

Bonus points - I bought a t-shirt
Uncool - only after purchasing said t-shirt did I realize it said "wiilco" as in a play on Nintendo's "wii" with various cartoon representations of band members supposedly representing their "mii"s. Lame. Double lame.

3. Sailing

I went for my first sailing trip ever. We don't have much navigable water in Ohio, which I now realize is a shame. We were out from about 9 to 5 on Friday (yeah, I wasn't at work, but only because I was invited by a partner). Awesome. It was so much fun, I want to buy a boat and live on it... I think I could pick one up for like 250K, but it'd have to be a sail boat. By the end, we began talking about investments and I was convinced that I need to own a condo stat... It's dangerous hanging out with rich folks when you're not rich... But I should have known when the day started off by someone asking "I wonder what the poor people are doing today?"

Disclaimer - that poor person thing was said completely in jest.

Bonus points - I got to drive, or steer, or captain, or whatever you call it.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


This one's quick, and, loyal readers, I hope you respond. I have a question: I told a guy at work about a girl I had proposed to but she said "no." To be fair, she didn't actually say "no" but, instead just cried. I then went to a strip club. The next day she called and asked for the ring but I said, "It's sort of a one time deal."

Anyway, I told the guy about this. Here's the question: Everyone at my firm knows that I've been engaged a solid two times. Not everyone knows that I've proposed three. I got pissed at this guy for violating guy code and disclosing this. Am I wrong? (To be fair, he was drunk both when he learned of this and when he spread it... right in front of me).

Let me know. Because he's leaving on a clerkship soon, and, if I'm wrong I don't want to be a dick, but if I'm right, I may never talk to dude again.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Proposition 409 lbs.

So, I was walking home last night after work at about 11 PM (that's how I do sometimes). No big deal, I'm a dude, I can totally walk however far it is home. And I did, but somewhere on 11th street this incredibly large woman in lime green spandex hot pants emerged from the shadows of one of the building fronts. This lady was Sumo big. Huge. Easily 350, maybe more.

I said "emerged," but that's probably not accurate. I have to guess at exactly how she eluded the shadows because she moved very quickly. All I saw was a green blur and spandex friction sparks... Not unlike William "the Refridgerator" Perry, this woman was deceptively quick.

Anyway, she kept saying "I'm hongry". That's right... "hongry." As I passed she turned into Joey from friends and pulled the "How you doin'". Not wanting to be rude, I said "fine" and kept walking. I did not wait around to determine whether she was "hongry" in a literal or figurative sense...

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

I'm a St. Louis-natic

I went to "the Lou" for work for a couple of days. I saw the "Gateway to the West" again. I did not stop to admire it, of course, but I totally saw it on the way from the airport to work. Take that, people who say lawyers have no leisure time.

I was very disappointed to not only miss having a Nelly encounter, but to not even hear a Nelly song. I thought they'd be blaring "Country Grammar" from town square. I am not impressed, Show Me State. I did, however, hear several people say things like "are you sitting hurrrrrr?"

I am considering going to the DC101 Chili Cookoff this weekend, if I have time. Not because I like the band "Jet", but because I really like chili. That, and I really want to re-enact that iPod commercial. With the exception that it costs to get in, I think a perfect idea for a flash mob would be to dress in black, iPods in hand, show up right before Jet takes the stage, rock out to "Are You Gonna Be My Girl", iPod commercial style, and then leave right as they take stage.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Sick... and not just because of the debates.

I have limited culinary skill. In fact, the only dish that I really know how to make is a modified stir fry involving chicken, broccoli, sometimes other random vegetables, and Italian dressing. I sort of stole this, and the technique to cook it, from a show called "Jan Can Cook." Luckily, I have limited taste and enjoy the designation "creature of habit".

I came home from work right around 7:30 P.M. and eagerly anticipated the Republican debates... Not because I love Republicans... I just haven't been really, really angry in awhile and figure I'm due. Anyway, I thought that I would make myself dinner. I had all of the ingredients listed in the "recipe" above and set about assembling, clumsily chopping, and tuning into the debate countdown.

Perhaps because of the TV, I didn't realize that my chicken had gone bad (Damn you Whole Foods and your non-preservative ways)... It wasn't terribly bad. Definitely north of rancid but south of edible. Anyway, I was stuck. I had nothing. Then I thought, "Eggs are just little chickens right? I bet the same theories apply."

Friends, I am here to tell you, they do not. I didn't have any milk, so I ended up with some kind of pebbly, semi-scrambled eggs with tomatoes and broccoli, with some Italian dressing mixed in. It looked like somebody dropped their broccoli in the sand.

Now, my timed opinion of the debates:

8:03 - First reference to 9/11. Touche Mr. Guiliani, but W. would have beat you by 79 seconds.

8:06 - Tommy Thompson's head sort of looks like the state of Wisconsin... I bet that helped him campaign.

8:08 - First reference to Reagan. I think each politician who makes such a reference ought to be forced to do a shot, after pouring some out for their fallen homey of course.

8:12 - I won't swear to it, but I think the phrase "suits and silk ties" is a Republican euphemism for "pansy." Nice move, Governor Huckabee.

8:13 - I don't know who this guy in the striped tie is, but he owes me a shot.

8:15 - Fred Thompson is mentioned. Chills go down my spine. That guy could really win and the only upside is that they'd replace "Hail to the Chief" with that "Dunh Dunh" noise from Law and Order. I may have made that joke before.

8:16 - Chris Matthews uses the term "trip wire" with Sen. McCain. Interesting word choice to use with a guy who spent his 20's as a POW in 'nam. I bet next, he's going to ask him about his "torturous" touring schedule.

8:21 - First death threat. That's why the last letter in GOP stands for "Par-tay". Not to be a "suit and silk tie", McCain threatens to chase Bin Laden to the "Gates of Hell".

8:26 - the Boy Scouts and God are invoked... in that order... to talk about global warming. At least it wasn't outright denial.

8:29 - Roe v. Wade - Rudy, you SOB.... I was just starting to hate you. Luckily, I can now redirect my hatred towards Gov. Romney.

8:37 - Muslims strap bombs to "their babies' bellies... we don't do that."

8:38 - Tommy Thompson falls back on the BJ rule. No, not that BJ rule... the Business Judgment rule.

8:39 - Chris Matthews wins Pyhrric victory with Governor Huckabee about mean comments regarding Mitt Romney. Matthews and Romney exchange longing glances.

8:53 - They ask the whitest guy from the whitest state in recent memory about racism. Gov. Thompson promptly brings up Reagan, another white guy.

8:57 - I just realized that, when Fred Thompson enters this thing, there can be only one law and order candidate.

9:01 - I swear this is the first time I've seen brown and white tie guy... I think they just snuck him on stage.

9:04 - Flat tax mentioned. I perk up. Also, guy who owes me a shot (who I discover is former Va. Governor Gilmore) just claimed he ran on a no car tax. I paid Va. car tax last year. I hate that guy.

9:06 - Everyone agrees that the line-item veto is a good thing. No one remembers it was already found unconstitutional once. Crazy former Dr. Guy calls inflation a tax on the poor... maybe he's not so crazy.

9:10 - Jokes about killing people, even "bad" people, are not funny. At least two people on the stage do not believe in evolution. One of them, however, does believe in magical glasses, golden plates, and a hat.

9:15 - Everyone on stage owes me a Reagan shot.

9:19 - Unsurprisingly, everyone on stage wants to create a national ID... just make sure you don't put whether or not you have guns on that card...

9:22 - Wait, wait, wait... only aliens get the ID cards... at first.

9:26 - Obligatory shot at Bill Clinton turns into a low blow at Hillary. Everyone chuckles and sinisterly forms a pyramid with their fingers.

9:29 - Shocking love fest for W. Still. I can't believe that. Also, Reagan shots all around... maybe that'll help them deal with the fact that Reagan drastically increased the spending and size of the federal government. Yeah, I said it.