Sick... and not just because of the debates.

I have limited culinary skill. In fact, the only dish that I really know how to make is a modified stir fry involving chicken, broccoli, sometimes other random vegetables, and Italian dressing. I sort of stole this, and the technique to cook it, from a show called "Jan Can Cook." Luckily, I have limited taste and enjoy the designation "creature of habit".

I came home from work right around 7:30 P.M. and eagerly anticipated the Republican debates... Not because I love Republicans... I just haven't been really, really angry in awhile and figure I'm due. Anyway, I thought that I would make myself dinner. I had all of the ingredients listed in the "recipe" above and set about assembling, clumsily chopping, and tuning into the debate countdown.

Perhaps because of the TV, I didn't realize that my chicken had gone bad (Damn you Whole Foods and your non-preservative ways)... It wasn't terribly bad. Definitely north of rancid but south of edible. Anyway, I was stuck. I had nothing. Then I thought, "Eggs are just little chickens right? I bet the same theories apply."

Friends, I am here to tell you, they do not. I didn't have any milk, so I ended up with some kind of pebbly, semi-scrambled eggs with tomatoes and broccoli, with some Italian dressing mixed in. It looked like somebody dropped their broccoli in the sand.

Now, my timed opinion of the debates:

8:03 - First reference to 9/11. Touche Mr. Guiliani, but W. would have beat you by 79 seconds.

8:06 - Tommy Thompson's head sort of looks like the state of Wisconsin... I bet that helped him campaign.

8:08 - First reference to Reagan. I think each politician who makes such a reference ought to be forced to do a shot, after pouring some out for their fallen homey of course.

8:12 - I won't swear to it, but I think the phrase "suits and silk ties" is a Republican euphemism for "pansy." Nice move, Governor Huckabee.

8:13 - I don't know who this guy in the striped tie is, but he owes me a shot.

8:15 - Fred Thompson is mentioned. Chills go down my spine. That guy could really win and the only upside is that they'd replace "Hail to the Chief" with that "Dunh Dunh" noise from Law and Order. I may have made that joke before.

8:16 - Chris Matthews uses the term "trip wire" with Sen. McCain. Interesting word choice to use with a guy who spent his 20's as a POW in 'nam. I bet next, he's going to ask him about his "torturous" touring schedule.

8:21 - First death threat. That's why the last letter in GOP stands for "Par-tay". Not to be a "suit and silk tie", McCain threatens to chase Bin Laden to the "Gates of Hell".

8:26 - the Boy Scouts and God are invoked... in that order... to talk about global warming. At least it wasn't outright denial.

8:29 - Roe v. Wade - Rudy, you SOB.... I was just starting to hate you. Luckily, I can now redirect my hatred towards Gov. Romney.

8:37 - Muslims strap bombs to "their babies' bellies... we don't do that."

8:38 - Tommy Thompson falls back on the BJ rule. No, not that BJ rule... the Business Judgment rule.

8:39 - Chris Matthews wins Pyhrric victory with Governor Huckabee about mean comments regarding Mitt Romney. Matthews and Romney exchange longing glances.

8:53 - They ask the whitest guy from the whitest state in recent memory about racism. Gov. Thompson promptly brings up Reagan, another white guy.

8:57 - I just realized that, when Fred Thompson enters this thing, there can be only one law and order candidate.

9:01 - I swear this is the first time I've seen brown and white tie guy... I think they just snuck him on stage.

9:04 - Flat tax mentioned. I perk up. Also, guy who owes me a shot (who I discover is former Va. Governor Gilmore) just claimed he ran on a no car tax. I paid Va. car tax last year. I hate that guy.

9:06 - Everyone agrees that the line-item veto is a good thing. No one remembers it was already found unconstitutional once. Crazy former Dr. Guy calls inflation a tax on the poor... maybe he's not so crazy.

9:10 - Jokes about killing people, even "bad" people, are not funny. At least two people on the stage do not believe in evolution. One of them, however, does believe in magical glasses, golden plates, and a hat.

9:15 - Everyone on stage owes me a Reagan shot.

9:19 - Unsurprisingly, everyone on stage wants to create a national ID... just make sure you don't put whether or not you have guns on that card...

9:22 - Wait, wait, wait... only aliens get the ID cards... at first.

9:26 - Obligatory shot at Bill Clinton turns into a low blow at Hillary. Everyone chuckles and sinisterly forms a pyramid with their fingers.

9:29 - Shocking love fest for W. Still. I can't believe that. Also, Reagan shots all around... maybe that'll help them deal with the fact that Reagan drastically increased the spending and size of the federal government. Yeah, I said it.