Staffman Rocks

Hardworking attorney / man of the people / super-hero to fans of 1963 Ford Fairlanes.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Flip Side

So, I had a great Friday not at work, but I made up for it. I was at work from 8 AM to 2:30 AM recently. I won't lie to you, it was very silly. On the walk home, I was once again propositioned (by a different girl), but this time it was more sad than funny. Ok, it was a little funny.

I am watching "Flight of the Conchords". It, on the other hand, is very funny.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

"If I had a boat, I'd go out on the ocean

If I had a pony, I'd ride him on my boat
And we would all together,
go out on the ocean
Me upon my pony, on my boat"
- Lyle Lovett

Staffamaniacs,

I've been working a lot lately, but the good news is that I've been playing a lot, too. And, well, apparently, there is a reason why people do what I do...

1. Lyle Lovett (opening - K.D. Lang)

I went to this show Wednesday night. I first saw Lyle two years ago at a summer associate event. It was awesome. As one of my close, female friends said "Lyle is 'sexyugly'". He must be to have married Julia Roberts (although she's not really my style, I get why the rest of the world is down). Anyway, Lyle and his large band rocked the house. Well, ok, maybe they "swung" the house or "adult contemporary countried", or maybe even "bluegrassed" the house. What's more, they did it with a level of musicianship that was beyond reproach. I mean, these guys are good.

To make things even better, it was at a place called the "Wolftrap" which is a large outdoor theater with a covered portion for fancy people. Our group brought in a picnic dinner consisting of KFC chicken and various and sundry other things, and all the beer and wine we could drink. That's right - no 10 buck beer for us... and then, much to my surprise, I found out I was a "fancy person". We had seats under the covered thing that were like 4 rows back. Phenomenal. To quote Lyle "That's right, [I'm] not from Texas, but Texas wants me anyway." In that my firm is based out of Texas, he doesn't know how right he is.

Bonus points - got to wear my cowboy boots and didn't feel silly at all.

Uncool - I sat right behind a woman who was way too into it. I mean, normally I'm all for audience participation, but this 40 year old woman kept making the Ozzie Osbourne / "hook 'em horns" hand signal and refused to sit still. Seriously, her arm fat was flapping the entire concert...

P.S., K.D. Lang can sing, but she looks and acts like Tony Bennett. I don't know what you can do with that information, but I'm putting it out there.

2. Wilco (opening - some band I don't know)

Confession time, folks. I don't really like Wilco's new stuff. I'm not saying that Tweedy ought to go back to the hard stuff, but I'm not saying he shouldn't either. Seriously, A.M. is a great album. A phenomenal album. Thursday night, they played nary a song from said masterpiece.

Anyway, it's probably not their fault because, unbeknownst to them, they were following Lyle. Still, it was a good show and a great time. Because my law firm buddies can be cheap, we bought a bottle of vodka and took turns taking swigs in the parking lot. It was kind of retro for us, but a good time nonetheless. After awhile we decided to flaunt the "don't bring stuff in" rule and we filled a water bottle with the vodka. Now, you're only allowed to bring in one, factory sealed water bottle so we were presented with a slight problem. Several MacGuyver style solutions were promulgated (my favorite was to punch a whole in the bottom, drain the water, fill it with vodka and plug the hole).

We ultimately decided that was ridiculous, though, and hiding it was our best option. Luckily, this was the second day in a row where it was appropriate for me to wear my boots and I stuck the water bottle in my boot and walked right in. I literally "bootlegged" the water bottle. Awesome.

Bonus points - I bought a t-shirt
Uncool - only after purchasing said t-shirt did I realize it said "wiilco" as in a play on Nintendo's "wii" with various cartoon representations of band members supposedly representing their "mii"s. Lame. Double lame.

3. Sailing

I went for my first sailing trip ever. We don't have much navigable water in Ohio, which I now realize is a shame. We were out from about 9 to 5 on Friday (yeah, I wasn't at work, but only because I was invited by a partner). Awesome. It was so much fun, I want to buy a boat and live on it... I think I could pick one up for like 250K, but it'd have to be a sail boat. By the end, we began talking about investments and I was convinced that I need to own a condo stat... It's dangerous hanging out with rich folks when you're not rich... But I should have known when the day started off by someone asking "I wonder what the poor people are doing today?"

Disclaimer - that poor person thing was said completely in jest.

Bonus points - I got to drive, or steer, or captain, or whatever you call it.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Question

This one's quick, and, loyal readers, I hope you respond. I have a question: I told a guy at work about a girl I had proposed to but she said "no." To be fair, she didn't actually say "no" but, instead just cried. I then went to a strip club. The next day she called and asked for the ring but I said, "It's sort of a one time deal."

Anyway, I told the guy about this. Here's the question: Everyone at my firm knows that I've been engaged a solid two times. Not everyone knows that I've proposed three. I got pissed at this guy for violating guy code and disclosing this. Am I wrong? (To be fair, he was drunk both when he learned of this and when he spread it... right in front of me).

Let me know. Because he's leaving on a clerkship soon, and, if I'm wrong I don't want to be a dick, but if I'm right, I may never talk to dude again.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Proposition 409 lbs.

So, I was walking home last night after work at about 11 PM (that's how I do sometimes). No big deal, I'm a dude, I can totally walk however far it is home. And I did, but somewhere on 11th street this incredibly large woman in lime green spandex hot pants emerged from the shadows of one of the building fronts. This lady was Sumo big. Huge. Easily 350, maybe more.

I said "emerged," but that's probably not accurate. I have to guess at exactly how she eluded the shadows because she moved very quickly. All I saw was a green blur and spandex friction sparks... Not unlike William "the Refridgerator" Perry, this woman was deceptively quick.

Anyway, she kept saying "I'm hongry". That's right... "hongry." As I passed she turned into Joey from friends and pulled the "How you doin'". Not wanting to be rude, I said "fine" and kept walking. I did not wait around to determine whether she was "hongry" in a literal or figurative sense...